I love you. <3

I watch all of these romantic comedies and can't help but sometimes feel nostalgic, an aching pain, a lump in the back of my throat that I can't clear, a wave of emotions reminding me of moments in my life when I felt exactly what the characters in the film are portraying. And sometimes I wish I could relive my favorite memories with him. I wish I could turn back the clock and go back to that moment under the stars, dancing under the moon in the middle of the park pathway to a melody no one else could hear but us. Or maybe to the first date, the scavenger hunt, the tree with our initials carved into it before we'd ever even discovered it. Prom night perhaps, starting out as friends who wanted to reunite and have a good time, but by the end of the night we knew there was something so amazing between us that if we let slip away would regret miserably. So many moments in time that evoke a warmth in my heart and a smile to my face, but that I know will forever remain in history.

Three years later and we are not the same couple. We have only just begun to realize how imperfect we really are, and that our personalities clash on more than a few occasions. There are moments where I can't believe how incredibly pissed off he can make me, more than anyone else in my past or present. And I know sometimes he looks at me and wonders what happened to me. He's annoying in so many ways, and I know for sure I am as well.

But when he comes over just to watch MNF with me I still get the butterflies waiting for him. Even though Mondays are long days and he has to take his mom shopping for hours after class, which is basically driving around in circles or parking when possible (in Chinatown, difficult at best), then driving home and having dinner, he still hops back out into the traffic filled streets and highways of Boston for ~half an hour+ each way with rush hour not completely over yet to come over and watch the game. And because he knows me so well and loves me, he never comes empty-handed even though most times he has already had dinner. Wings, pizza and beer, sometimes pasta, seafood, steak, etc. Because you can't watch a football game any other way!

And when we cuddle, I breathe in his armpit scent (Degree Deoderant Sport Scent...mmmmm.. <3 lol) and I just can't imagine being anywhere else. I know I've complained that we aren't as spontaneous as we used to be and I do miss the constant adventures, but when I'm in the moment just lounging on the couch munching on fatty foods or in bed watching TV or just talking, I am completely fulfilled. He understands me (as much as a guy can), lets me rant about sports and girls, feeds me as much as I want even though I get insecure about my bagel belly (working on it!), sits next to me in restaurants instead of always across from me because I like it (until the food arrives then he moves his butt back over across the table because I need elbow space for eating yo!), and tries his best to listen/remember what I say (honestly he could probably work at this more and is more likely to remember what I was wearing than what I specifically said haha). And even though we talk about how we would love living together and many times I wished it were not a hypothetical idea and instead reality, absence really does make the heart grow fonder. Waking up next to him in the morning has only happened twice but it's okay because it's worth waiting for when the person is right.

What I've dragged out in the most gushing, corny, and excessively cheesy way is simply that even though things don't stay the same as when you first start dating and everything is new and exciting, if you two are right for one another, you will change together and will weather the tough times and be the better for it. It has not been easy, and we have not always known that we would still be together now nor is there even absolute certainty now that we will be together forever, but here we are and I cherish it. Our love has also changed. In many ways I'm still head over heels in love with him, but I strongly believe my love for him is deeper than butterflies in the tummy and paper hearts made from dollar bills. The words I love you don't seem to be enough. It's more like an I love, want, need, want absolutely the most in life for, do whatever it takes to keep us together (in the least obsessive/stalkerish way possible), appreciate and have the utmost respect for him kind of "I love you".

So even though romantic moments in movies are projected right in front of me and can bring back my own memories of key highlights in my relationship, I know that every morning I wake up and there is still him in my life, then and now. There is still an us, and no other couple cinematic or otherwise, is like us. I love him to death and am loved. I don't need to relive memories to feel special or be validated. His hand is mine to hold and vice versa, and his kisses make my days go by faster. There aren't grand overtures of love and adoration at every moment, but everything he does shows the same amount of love and consideration as any of our most memorable outings/memories/moments in that past and present or filmed in a motion picture. And even better than a film, it is my reality.

Once I remind myself of all this, any pang of nostalgia or reminiscent longing evaporates. Luck be a lady, and that lady is me. Ha, just kidding. It's not all luck! Nor is it all fate. A combination of luck, fate, and one of the best damn choices I've made in my life. Though I do not always tell him with words, and I don't even sing to him as often as I used to (ahem, a request would be nice), I love him and there have been no truer words uttered to any other guy. And if reminding myself isn't enough, I know I'll see him again soon enough to create new highlights.


F + N And no, we didn't carve it, we found it already carved three years ago on our first "date".

The simple pleasures in life never cease to amaze me in their ability to make me happy.  Getting that dessert you really want even when you know you shouldn't (aka that NY strip steak with some loaded mashed potatoes mmmm), a kiss from the one you love most, the purring and kneading of a purrr-fectly content kitten, happy wag tailing from the dog, getting mail from friends, beating my high score in Scrabble, watching Scrubs/Flight of the Conchords, and a whole plethora of other parts of my week which neutralize any negative experiences I've had throughout the week.  Lately, being able to button up my pants and not feel like I'm being squeezed by a python has been added to that list haha. 

The right music can also send me into a state of mind that puts everything at ease. But even though the right jeans, the hottest/cutest shoes, best food, etc. can bring a smile to my face and release a bout of giddyness, nothing like the right people at the right time makes me love life and rejuvenates me more. I went to a local Japanese restaurant with Frank earlier tonight on a whim. We were looking for takeout to go back home and pig out while we did hw and watch tv, but I saw the place and remembered reading a great review in my bible (the Zagat Restaurant book) for it, so I gestured towards it to him, with puppy eyes, and with that we went in for dinner. 

The food did turn out to be really good, but what the review didn't mention was the atmosphere and people.  The owners were so incredibly kind and funny and sociable. It was a pretty small restaurant, and most of the other people were locals as well and a few knew the owners/servers/chefs well enough to chat about their children and personal lives.  To see them joking and being so involved with every one seriously melted my heart. There was one Japanese elder who was just so cute (Frank hates it when I call old people cute because it sounds patronizing, but Idk what else to call her because that it just what she is). Two guys who came in had asked to change the channel to ESPN for a college football game (South Florida vs. Cincinnati, I heard Cincinnati beat them even w/o their best players, props!).  Even though she didn't know much about American sports, she still managed to talk to them and make them laugh with jokes about hockey being football (maybe you had to be there). And every time someone left, they all said thank you and good-bye multiple times with genuine smiles (the Japanese chef had a mullet and said "Arrigato!" so cheerily you couldn't NOT love him haha).

By the end of dinner we were all like family and I hated to have to leave such a warm and inviting environment. It was definitely one of the best experiences I have had at a dining establishment in a long long time. Language barriers were broken and there was a bond that formed in such a short time. And to think it was only a 2 minute drive away from home this whole time. Not that I can be eating there on too regular of a basis or anything, I am still a college student lol, but I would go back to see them again and make it a monthly thing for sure.

It just goes to show how far a little not-so-common courtesy and kindness can go. A kind gesture and greeting, mixed in with some wholehearted humor and openness to others, makes so much difference. A person's character is so much more commendable than all the knowledge you can cram into your brain or the righteousness of your beliefs.  Being a good person is not just being right or knowing the answers, in fact it has little to nothing to do with that in my opinion, but rather it is how you treat others around you, friend, foe, or complete stranger. 

Sometimes when I am angry, I feel that certain people are undeserving of my respect or courtesy when they have shown no such things to me, but in reality it is just an excuse to be selfish and retaliate. Freedom of speech is important, very important, but for me it is not held in higher regard than being the person I want to be and see in others at all times, not just when it is convenient.  Some people may disagree or feel it is disingenuous, but I find it much more noteworthy to have restraint, patience, and respect than pure unfiltered passion even if with good intentions. So I am trying tenaciously to find the balance between being passionate and fighting for what I believe in without resorting to verbal attacks that diminish the power of my beliefs and intentions. 

"Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong." - Mahatma Ghandi

Closure. I don't know if I can fully encompass just how good it feels, but I'll try, and hopefully anything that is omitted will be understood anyway.  It is not like a breath of fresh air, because without it my life goes on and the autumn air is as brisk as ever, filling my soul with a renewed sense of vibrancy. Closure is not a breath of fresh air, but it does do a soul just as good. It is more like that feeling of completing the last page of a book you just couldn't put down while you were reading, but for whatever reason got sidetracked from and eventually let drift to the corners of your mind, gathering dust.  And even if it was a book I didn't care for too much, I do love reaching the end, mentally adding it to my list of completely read stories.  I guess it is my competitive drive to always finish, first if possible.  And even in relationships, though I have done fairly well and have held several long term relationships, I have always been the one to reach the end first, though it has not always stayed that way.  I almost never gave it my all in a relationship, but still gave enough to the other person so that he wouldn't realize I was holding back.  I played the perfect girlfriend role to a tee.  But in the back of my mind I was always wondering and keeping my heart open to be loved better.  Age does factor in however, because being 21 means most of my experience has been in my teenage years and though not an excuse, the reality is I believe you can't truly know what you want until you've ruled out what you don't want. 

So when things didn't end the way I expect them to or at least have a say in, my experiences and psyche had not (and still have not) equipped me to deal with them immediately.  I didn't outwardly express this however, I don't think anyone would be able to tell when I'm completely thrown for a loop. On the surface I rolled with the punches and moved along just fine.  But in my mind I was flabbergasted, likened to the image of a fish out of water. I dissected the details and felt cheated out of the control that I am used to having. Still, each times it happens (I can count on one hand, and I don't need all my fingers either) I'm slowly learning I can't control everything, a lesson that can't be truly appreciated and understood by just knowing the words, but only through first hand experience, and for super stubborn people like me, probably a lot more than just a few times.

Regardless of how events transpired, when I got to that last page, when I reached the end, it felt good even if the overall experience wasn't worth it. Closure, though totally voluntary and not absolutely necessary, reaffirmed what happened; that it did indeed happen, and that it is complete.(no crappy sequels here).  And even though questions never raced through my mind of what ifs ands or buts, there was an incomplete next to those experiences until I got it.  And once I did, it was just as satisfying as I wanted it to be. Did I feel weak for feeling better about something I didn't need? Yes.  Did I care? A little. But when it comes to happiness, why lessen the experience with insecurity of what the outside world's judgment will be?