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Saturday, 17 October 2009

Repost but different celebration :)

Because I'm too lazy to make up a whole new post, I'm reposting my father's day entry from a year ago as a birthday post instead, but it's still works!

There once was a man who loved John Denver

Other than that he was totally badass with plaid shorts and aviators

He was happily married to a beautiful woman

Their first child was a bouncing baby boy.

They were ecstatic to have a son, but it was clear that he was a momma's boy. Something was missing in their lives. So after their son turned 6, the couple finally completed their family with a beautiful baby girl!

The day she came home from the hospital the daddy took rolls and rolls of pictures of her sleeping

(or not..)

He immediately began to spoil her, proving you can have your cake AND eat it

AND EVEN THE SPOON!

Everywhere he took her, she held his hand and followed him ~~blindly~~ adoringly

ALWAYS with a BIG SMILE on her face! Which she still does today =)

Always so friendly and welcoming, he carried her whenever she wanted.

She was always and still is Daddy's Little Girl. And even though he doesn't carry her around anymore, he carries her through his limitless patience and support through whatever she does.

Thank you daddy, for everything you've given me, for all the life lessons you've taught me, and still loving me more than my big brother (muahahaha!)

I love you Daddy!
HAPPY FATHER'S DAY BIRTHDAY DAD!
The Golden Rule

The simple pleasures in life never cease to amaze me in their ability to make me happy. Getting that dessert you really want even when you know you shouldn't (aka that NY strip steak with some loaded mashed potatoes mmmm), a kiss from the one you love most, the purring and kneading of a purrr-fectly content kitten, happy wag tailing from the dog, getting mail from friends, beating my high score in Scrabble, watching Scrubs/Flight of the Conchords, and a whole plethora of other parts of my week which neutralize any negative experiences I've had throughout the week. Lately, being able to button up my pants and not feel like I'm being squeezed by a python has been added to that list haha.

The right music can also send me into a state of mind that puts everything at ease. But even though the right jeans, the hottest/cutest shoes, best food, etc. can bring a smile to my face and release a bout of giddyness, nothing like the right people at the right time makes me love life and rejuvenates me more. I went to a local Japanese restaurant with Frank earlier tonight on a whim. We were looking for takeout to go back home and pig out while we did hw and watch tv, but I saw the place and remembered reading a great review in my bible (the Zagat Restaurant book) for it, so I gestured towards it to him, with puppy eyes, and with that we went in for dinner.

The food did turn out to be really good, but what the review didn't mention was the atmosphere and people. The owners were so incredibly kind and funny and sociable. It was a pretty small restaurant, and most of the other people were locals as well and a few knew the owners/servers/chefs well enough to chat about their children and personal lives. To see them joking and being so involved with every one seriously melted my heart. There was one Japanese elder who was just so cute (Frank hates it when I call old people cute because it sounds patronizing, but Idk what else to call her because that it just what she is). Two guys who came in had asked to change the channel to ESPN for a college football game (South Florida vs. Cincinnati, I heard Cincinnati beat them even w/o their best players, props!). Even though she didn't know much about American sports, she still managed to talk to them and make them laugh with jokes about hockey being football (maybe you had to be there). And every time someone left, they all said thank you and good-bye multiple times with genuine smiles (the Japanese chef had a mullet and said "Arrigato!" so cheerily you couldn't NOT love him haha).

By the end of dinner we were all like family and I hated to have to leave such a warm and inviting environment. It was definitely one of the best experiences I have had at a dining establishment in a long long time. Language barriers were broken and there was a bond that formed in such a short time. And to think it was only a 2 minute drive away from home this whole time. Not that I can be eating there on too regular of a basis or anything, I am still a college student lol, but I would go back to see them again and make it a monthly thing for sure.

It just goes to show how far a little not-so-common courtesy and kindness can go. A kind gesture and greeting, mixed in with some wholehearted humor and openness to others, makes so much difference. A person's character is so much more commendable than all the knowledge you can cram into your brain or the righteousness of your beliefs. Being a good person is not just being right or knowing the answers, in fact it has little to nothing to do with that in my opinion, but rather it is how you treat others around you, friend, foe, or complete stranger.

Sometimes when I am angry, I feel that certain people are undeserving of my respect or courtesy when they have shown no such things to me, but in reality it is just an excuse to be selfish and retaliate. Freedom of speech is important, very important, but for me it is not held in higher regard than being the person I want to be and see in others at all times, not just when it is convenient. Some people may disagree or feel it is disingenuous, but I find it much more noteworthy to have restraint, patience, and respect than pure unfiltered passion even if with good intentions. So I am trying tenaciously to find the balance between being passionate and fighting for what I believe in without resorting to verbal attacks that diminish the power of my beliefs and intentions.

"Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong." - Mahatma Ghandi

Friday, 16 October 2009

*facepalm*

Alright I know this is going to be stupid of me to post but one of my subbers posted a pulse that he was on someone who is very annoying's block list entry and I got curious (yeah shoot me) to see what would be said about me because I knew I'd be on it. I expected something dumb, but I didn't expect to see blatant lies. Just to clear things up to anyone who comes on my page from his site since he linked my "screennames" in his post. I am ONE person. ju1cyxcouture. I am not juicycoutured (though whoever that is, j/w what does coutured mean lol) , not be_lie (who is awesome, but unfortunately not me), and yes I commented using my bf's sn once, in order to reply to his last comment to me after he blocked my screenname from his page. It was one final comment and then I was done for good and will never ever ever again comment on his site for any reason unless he does something to me worthy of reporting to the Xanga team and getting his butt kicked off the site.

So no I do not use multiple accounts to comment people's pages making "contradictory statements". Oh and after seeing that entry, I also just found out that he copy/pasted my entry on his blog. I had taken it down after he linked it from his page, causing me unwanted traffic, so I took it down, not because I was "cowardly" but because I wasn't going to let him use me as more ignorant fodder. I am so so tired of people who talk down to me or about me by talking "for" rape "victims" as if we are weak and have no ability to move on from the past or live a life without suffering because of it for the rest of our lives. Don't pity me, I don't need anyone's pity, and my life is not ruined because of what happened in the past, it has only made me stronger and a wiser person. Out of turmoil comes triumph, so don't talk about people as if they are helpless animals who can't speak for themselves or help themselves.

To quote an admirable woman, "I am not a victim, I am victorious."

Wednesday, 14 October 2009

Closure.

Closure. I don't know if I can fully encompass just how good it feels, but I'll try, and hopefully anything that is omitted will be understood anyway. It is not like a breath of fresh air, because without it my life goes on and the autumn air is as brisk as ever, filling my soul with a renewed sense of vibrancy. Closure is not a breath of fresh air, but it does do a soul just as good. It is more like that feeling of completing the last page of a book you just couldn't put down while you were reading, but for whatever reason got sidetracked from and eventually let drift to the corners of your mind, gathering dust. And even if it was a book I didn't care for too much, I do love reaching the end, mentally adding it to my list of completely read stories. I guess it is my competitive drive to always finish, first if possible. And even in relationships, though I have done fairly well and have held several long term relationships, I have always been the one to reach the end first, though it has not always stayed that way. I almost never gave it my all in a relationship, but still gave enough to the other person so that he wouldn't realize I was holding back. I played the perfect girlfriend role to a tee. But in the back of my mind I was always wondering and keeping my heart open to be loved better. Age does factor in however, because being 21 means most of my experience has been in my teenage years and though not an excuse, the reality is I believe you can't truly know what you want until you've ruled out what you don't want.

So when things didn't end the way I expect them to or at least have a say in, my experiences and psyche had not (and still have not) equipped me to deal with them immediately. I didn't outwardly express this however, I don't think anyone would be able to tell when I'm completely thrown for a loop. On the surface I rolled with the punches and moved along just fine. But in my mind I was flabbergasted, likened to the image of a fish out of water. I dissected the details and felt cheated out of the control that I am used to having. Still, each times it happens (I can count on one hand, and I don't need all my fingers either) I'm slowly learning I can't control everything, a lesson that can't be truly appreciated and understood by just knowing the words, but only through first hand experience, and for super stubborn people like me, probably a lot more than just a few times.

Regardless of how events transpired, when I got to that last page, when I reached the end, it felt good even if the overall experience wasn't worth it. Closure, though totally voluntary and not absolutely necessary, reaffirmed what happened; that it did indeed happen, and that it is complete.(no crappy sequels here). And even though questions never raced through my mind of what ifs ands or buts, there was an incomplete next to those experiences until I got it. And once I did, it was just as satisfying as I wanted it to be. Did I feel weak for feeling better about something I didn't need? Yes. Did I care? A little. But when it comes to happiness, why lessen the experience with insecurity of what the outside world's judgment will be?

Closure? Lol, jk, an excuse to post cuteness

Wednesday, 07 October 2009

Senseless insignificant female rant, don't bother reading

Do you ever have those days where you just feel blah all over? I feel more tired, uglier, fat(ter), dumber, weaker, etc. and it's just one of those days where nothing goes right. It's really tough to work out and lose those inches off your waist, feel great, and then realize your thighs got chunkier.. And then to be told every day by your mother that you look fat and need to diet. I have never heard such a word out of my mom's mouth in 20 years, until this year. It's also hard to gain weight overall and feel happy about it when it's an expensive process. More food intake more $$$, more weight gained means new wardrobe....which as a college student with a big anniversary and holidays coming up is not my priority.

Even though I lost two inches off my waist from 27 (standing at 5'2", 27 isn't the most flattering) to be at 25 right now and it looks great, that doesn't help me when I can't pull my jeans past my freaking thighs. I woke up this morning and tried on about 10 pairs of jeans only to realize I had already worn my last pair that fit me without making me want to pass out from loss of blood circulation yesterday. If I were a different person I would just put on a pair of sweats and go, but it has been ingrained in me since I was a child to never go out in public in clothes that you sleep in. So I put on a pair of tights to wear.....only to rip my tights -______-. The only consolation I have is that my shirts still fit me fine. But that just means my boobs are still small, I guess they didn't get the memo, haha. Right now I'm wearing a pair of black jeans that are unbuttoned, it is my only option if I want to breathe normally and not get a freaking UTI or camel toe from the crotch of my jeans being up to my uterus.

And I know this is all just bitching and whining which I will have to suck up and just deal with, but it's just one of those days where you feel like crap. I stayed up til 430 in the morning vacuuming/mopping/organizing my room and switching out my summer wardrobe to my fall/winter wardrobe (I have a bit of OCD), cutting Parker's hair and trimming his nails (imagine struggling with a strong dog for two hours straight just to cut his nails, that was a workout in itself. And no I can't take him to the vet because that's the reason why he's scared in the first place, they made him bleed and hurt, curse them...). My mom saw me eating and said "I see other girls and they don't look like you do, they look like you used to. Stop eating and go on a diet already." This from the woman who until I was 18 told everyone that I was an ugly stick (I don't know how I didn't have low self esteem, this is the case where my ego came in handy for once) and that I needed more meat on my bones (I love my mom and she is the sweetest woman ever, don't get me wrong, if you met her you'd think she was the cutest lady ever haha).

So yeah, I'm running on little sleep, a LOT of soreness, constant hw/memorizing/quizzes every week and I'm pretty hungry, but losing the extra weight is the only option right now since all my money is being spent towards my new kitten Moo on food, litter, etc. (I'm also having him neutered this Friday), my three year anniversary gift/possible trip, and even Christmas already. I pray for Sundays and Monday nights to come faster so I can just completely immerse myself in football and let the stress melt away. Unfortunately it's Wednesday...sigh lol.

I get my refund check tomorrow from school and I can't even be happy because it's already basically spent. None of these things are in and of themselves very noteworthy, I fully know that, but put them all together and I'm just a tad annoyed and tired of it. And no I don't think I'm fat. I really don't. I'm just bigger than my clothes, and it's very frustrating to not be able to just go out and buy a whole new wardrobe for my body, and have to conform my body to my existing clothes, for now. I never ever wanted to be a size 0, and was even iffy about 2. I always felt like 4 was the best if I could get there (although I'm starting to think 2 might be alright for my height without looking anorexic, but not a size 2 from H&M, they lie! 2 there is more like a 0, so 4 would be more like a 2, 6 more of a 4, etc.). But it's just not the right time to go up those sizes and it's sad but that's my reality right now lol. I'm starving. Time for a healthy lunch...yay.. =( .

And I'm sorry if you read this. This is what I'm talking about when I say my blog is completely for me and is just all thoughts, whether they be petty and insignificant, or in the rare case insightful and thought provoking. I let it out here so people don't have to see it in person haha, namely my bf. I know he appreciates it lol.

FYI: The power went out in the house just as I hit submit....hahaha.